EXPLOIT THE SCENE With Kyle “Kore” Parsons Episode 1: Groupies I’m going to go out on a limb and assume a decent portion of the readers have seen that flick “Almost Famous” that came out a few years back. If not, it is a movie about a kid doing a piece for Rolling Stone while touring with an up-and-coming band. The underlining story behind it, though, is living the life of a groupie and all its glorified attributes. Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll! One enjoys all the perks of living the rock star dream, but in reality, offering absolutely nothing of value to the music – only fitting the niche of someone’s entourage. Webster, come quote me. The ironic part behind such a negative connotation is that Hollywood has even glorified the lifestyle of groupies, and though the characters in “Almost Famous” were not happy or satisfied with their lives – they were painted much more dignified than some of the trash I have encountered over the past six years. The true groupie is younger (I’m talking 14-17,) lacking the ability to match or accessorize, and has no boundaries for personal space. Dudes from bands aren’t really into that (unless of course we’re talking about Max Bemis.) See, there is a difference between “fans” and “groupies.” Fans understand that there are other fans in the world and while getting an autograph on their mangled ticket stub might “make their night” – they don’t have interest in knowing the band member on any personal level – or at least don’t believe they could. Fans enjoy the music, create the band’s paychecks, and are part of the cycle called the “music industry.” Groupies are a whole other breed. I can’t begin to explain how many times I have been conversing with a band member, or a friend in a band, and feeling that heavy hot tension of burning eyes in the back of my head. It’s pure jealousy that I, a music journalist, might actually have more to say to a band than “OMG you’re SO hot!” or, the deeply rooted, “wow good shoooow.” And with that, I give you my latest groupie attack: I was invited to a “white trash” party by a friend of mine who is a music promoter. The theme almost sounds fun, but it turned out to be quite frustrating when sorting out who was actually trash and who was in character (though it became apparent while in conversation.) It doesn’t take me long at all to get settled-in to social situations so I made my way out to the backyard while 30 percent of the party was taking a smoking break. Some white trash girl started a conversation with me about bands she enjoys so I decided to humor her and chat for a few minutes. She had more brain cells than I had anticipated so I thought I should keep this one around for a little while. I would like to take a quick side note; I don’t reveal being any kind of music journalist, or enthusiast, right away – if at all. It’s some kind of sick social experiment I do in my head, to see if people really have an educated perspective on music before putting them into “business talk.” Continuing on with our conversation, which I assume sounded something like “I really like band A!” “Oh, well have you heard of band B?” “Yah but I like band C better.” “You like band C better than band B? What the hell is wrong with y…” [abruptly cut off by annoying groupie] “IT’S ALL ABOUT BAND D” says the annoying groupie in an overly hostile tone. All I remember about her were braces, and her desperate need for conditioner. I filed her quickly under “groupie” in my mind, and as I clearly like to judge books by their covers – I decided any music opinions from her would fall moot. Plus, I was in a decent music conversation – how dare she interrupt me! I sharply turned to her, more startled than anything, as she had screamed for no apparent reason about her precious band D. I knew who band D was ironically well, but in fear of falling into an intelligible conversation I said “whatever I don’t care about band D right now” and turned back to my face-off. She had a sour look… or maybe that was just her face? Either way I had about two minutes more of conversation with the initial white trash girl before I was interrupted again. A girl, whose “costume” was debatable, leans over a table and says “EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME!” Knowing my conversation was over I said goodbye to my new friend and turned to acknowledge groupie #2. “Hii I’m the birttthday girl.” I was at a birthday party? “I heard someone was talking SHHHIT on band D and cause I’m the only sss-ssssober person herrrrrrre I came to make ssure nobody was talking bad about my boooyyysss.” I looked at her long and hard, and then grinned. “They are herrre right noow,” she tried to continue, “and they are reeaaaally upset.” Among my pet peeves of groupies existing, are also girls who can’t admit to being drunk. There is nothing worse than a groupie trying to be so loyal to their band that they feel fabricating drama is the best way to show their support. This was surely going to get them backstage passes, right? “I know who ‘your boys’ are” I laughed, “would you mind introducing me so we can clear this up?” This was obviously what groupie #1 and #2 wanted as they were suddenly very willing to take me head-to-head with band D and prove to these guys that they had done a good job at wrangling up the “shit talker.” Their faces reminded me of a dog expecting a pat on the head after bringing its’ master a ball. I walked up to band D, who, as I had mentioned before, I was well aware of. Their faces looked uncaring and untroubled – which was not surprising to me but I continued to humor this anyway. I put my hand out to shake the singer’s hand and said “Hi, my name is Kyle. I’m a music reviewer for several music magazines. One of my publications sent me your album last month and it’s on my desk waiting to be reviewed.” Ironic, but true, they happen to be one of my current assignements. Perfect example of why you should not give yourself away too quickly. Groupie #1 and #2 looked dumbfounded. The singer of band D shook my hand and his tone went from party-mode to business-mode instantly. As I walked away, groupie #2 came up to me with one last attempt to impress her band and said “oh my god they really really need a good review, please write something good about them!” I sharply answered her by saying “No. What they really need is a little less help from people like you,” and returned to my prior engagement. Stupid groupies.