The Back-Up Plan – Review

An insufferably quirky modern New York woman (Jennifer Lopez) meets Mr. Right just minutes after she’s been inseminated by an anonymous donor. Hijinks ensue… presumably.

If murder is an art, then Jennifer Lopez just went all Jackson Pollock on her film career.

Let’s start off by making one point abundantly clear. I don’t dislike Ms. Lopez. I’m actually ever-so-slightly fond of her for her contributions to pop culture between the years of 1997 and 2005. Whether she was sporting that killer barely-there green number at the 2000 Grammys or delivering lines with sincere, if dull, conviction as her monumental ass heaved in so many mid-range romance and action flicks, she always seemed to be someone worth my attention. The summer of 2001 was defined by letting imaginary suitors know that my “love don’t cost a thing” and as a child I dreamed that one day I’d make a generic pop tune successfully remixed by Murder, Inc. Times, however, are different in this new decade and it appears that Jennifer Lopez is getting lost in a sea of bigger and more talented celebrities.

You can blame it on Marc Anthony (but I really wish you wouldn’t because ‘You Sang to Me’ is still such a hardcore kara’oke jam) or you can blame it on Hollywood’s still prevalent ageism issues. Either way you spin it, The Back-Up Plan is a clear indication that J.Lo is on a sinking ship that not even her natural below-waist buoyancy can save.

I’d like to report that Alan Poul’s romantic comedy starts off innocently, but this would be a bold-faced lie. From the beginning we are force-fed spoonfuls of dippy optimism from J.Lo’s Zoe, who has followed her dream of being either a maid, a pet-shop owner, or a wedding planner. My mind was too numbed to make a note. From what I gathered before my face melted off, the film centered around the conflict that arises when Zoe meets the man of her dreams (played with roguish Keanu/R-Patz wooden charm by Alex O’somethingorother) just a few minutes after being inseminated by an anonymous donor. Hijinks ensue involving every possible tired joke about awkward romance and pregnancy. The cast of supporting characters serve only to exhibit annoying quirks and are mostly played by – shocker – white women. There are also a few bits with a handicapped dog if you’re into that sort of thing.

I am an unabashed fan of painfully awful movies, but I am actively bothered by The Back-Up Plan and movies of its ilk. I’m just not convinced that there’s anything remotely appealing about seeing marginally talented actresses like Jennifer Lopez, Uma Thurman, and Sandra Bullock play out ludicrous scenarios as they attempt to squeeze as much charm as they can from the infantile tomes of people who clearly wrote their screenplays on a dare. I’m more concerned that these characters are even remotely based on the actions of actual women. Ladies, if you find yourself relating to the unappealing lead characters of these unintentional horror flicks, I think we need to get our G-chat on about the healing powers of Christ and Prozac.

Perhaps what’s most distressing about watching this film is that it reminds us of the fact that fame is such a fickle bitch. I’m not quite ready to give up on J.Lo, but it’s looking like a wiser idea to put more stock in J-Woww. I’m going to go cry in a corner and pray for a sequel to Selena.